The kids are in the other room playing with the barbie house and the dominos that they got for their birthdays. Life has been very quiet for the past several weeks. I’ve pushed myself to face things that I struggled with before. I finally rehomed the dogs I struggled with since Phil died. I’ve deep cleaned the entire house to be dog free. I am surprised about how the kids don’t even miss them, something I was also so scared about because after Phil died, the way I survived everyday was to just keep moving forward, showing up for the kids and making sure their lives stayed as close to the same as it possibly could without their dad, pain in the ass dogs included. John and I haven’t spoken in weeks, not since a handful of small talk text messages after the tearful night in my driveway.
I’ve just come in from my garden that I like to call my secret garden. I’ve been spending a lot of time there, making changes and getting it ready for the fall season. It’s my quiet space away from all of the noise in my head and my new ability to cry at the simplest things lately. I feel like all that I have done since the fall out is just cry. Lindsay calls me to check in.
“I was just calling to see how you were doing,” comes her bubbly response once I pick up.
“Today is not so bad. A couple of days ago, it was pretty bad, but today I have only cried a couple of times,” I laugh at myself, for someone who was once very anti-sharing-of-feelings, this was certainly a new era for me. My feelings are constantly all over my face and out of my face.
“You just have to remember that everything happens for a reason and that it’s probably because he wasn’t right for your family. You need someone who is going to make a commitment to you and to those kids, not just shut down and hurt you because you asked about what your future was. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know, but that was the weird thing about it all. This all started because I asked him about the future and if he had ever thought about us living together. It was a future that we had sat talking about very openly in my kitchen when we had just started dating, I mean down to whose name everyone gets.”
“Back then, it was just talking about a potential and by asking you made it real and you got your answer.”
I nod, choking back a new wave of tears. “You probably didn’t hear my nod,” I say with an awkward tear-filled laugh. “And then he just changed and he was accusing me of all kinds of things I never said or did, including how I was giving him an ultimatum–it was like he was talking to someone else entirely. The ghost of something big and heavy that pre-dates me.”
“And I think that is his issue and why he has never been married and probably won’t ever be. Hurt people hurt people and as nice as he was to you when there was no expectation, someone did a number on him a long time ago and it’s not up to you to fix him or give up on what you want out of a relationship. I mean you guys half-assed lived together for over a year and because you asked about living together officially and re-stated that you did want to get married and have another baby eventually, that’s what is going to get you here? That’s an ultimatum? That is not at all fair to you. When is it not about him?”
“I know, Linds. He just really hurt me. I had to get over all of that stuff I went through with Phil and I prayed so hard that I would meet someone again that I could trust and it just really fucking hurts to be here. I feel like I opened up my whole life and self to him, but he never did the same and then just threw us away in the trash.”
“And it’s going to be that way for a while, but look at it this way. At least you’re not quoting Dickens to me and making jokes about sitting in your wedding dress and eating cake anymore?”
I laugh, a real laugh. “I guess we can call that growth. I am past the grieving scorned widow and am now dumped girlfriend who has three kids, a new job on the horizon and is somehow still writing.”
“You are one of my best friends. You are smart, brave and kind. You’re one of the most honest and strongest women that I know and you’re a really good mom, look how far those kids have come. Phil and John aren’t an end to your story, you’re going to meet someone who wants a life with you and this time, it will be the right person who loves you completely and is proud to show you and even the kids off to the world.”
“I love you too, but I think that maybe this is God’s way of telling me that I am meant to be alone.” I start choking on tears again.”I mean just a month ago I was so excited about my new job and getting my summers back so I had more time with the kids and better hours which meant less relying on my family to watch the kids all the time which then meant they would probably agree to watch the kids for me to do fun things like actually getting to go out with John and now look at my life. This was supposed to be the new chapter for me and the trio.”
“I don’t think so and it still is a new chapter. I really do think you’re going to get married again and you’re going to have that last baby and this time, that man is going to be faithful to you and be the love of your life because that is all that you deserve. It’s just not John. And even if I’m wrong and you are alone for the rest of your life, I know you’re going to rock that too. You’re on your upswing, just think about that new job and how all of that came to be!”
Lindsay was right. The writing on the wall had come to my old job earlier in the spring and I was in a full-on panic mode because with the change in hours I wouldn’t be able to get my kids from school and then the funding for the job itself was also questionable as things in the state were changing. It was a terrifying several months before two jobs came knocking, one because the administrator who saw my application knew my reputation from my years in Trenton and immediately contacted me and the other found me on the internet and called me for a same day interview. I was ultimately offered both positions, but I took the latter for a better salary and a commute and also for the fact that it meant I was teaching seniors and college-level courses. I had to give up my college teaching after Phil died because I did not have the childcare to cover it and that was one of the personal things I had to give up that absolutely devastated me because when I am in a college classroom and I am lecturing, it is the place I feel the most like myself. It was something so hard to let go of, even though I knew that it was in the best interest for my children, but then again, here the universe was bringing it back to me at a time where I felt as if my life was once again in pieces. So, maybe I just needed to roll with what life was giving me and trust in the greater good, as hard as that is especially when your heart has been broken again.
I draw in a breath so that I will hopefully stop sniffling. “Well, I would just like to remind you of the fact that when he and I first started dating and I sent you that picture of us, how you exclaimed how you had such a good feeling about him and my future,” I add, not wanting her to have a full win.
“Ya got me, I was wrong about that…well maybe. It wasn’t all bad was it? I mean he did nice things for you and the kids and he cleaned out your life of all of Phil’s friends and made you face things you were really struggling with like the dogs. And you fell in love with him so at least that showed you that you do have the ability to love someone after your husband and to want a life with someone again. In many ways you’re set up for a totally fresh start and again one that I believe does lead you to the man that is meant for you. In the meantime, focus on yourself and the kids and if you’re really bored, sign up for e-harmony again.”
I snort. “That is the last thing I think that I could do.”
“Why not? Worst case is you like someone and they don’t like you back and you never have to talk to them again.”
Our conversation winds down after the e-harmony suggestion. The kids make their way into the kitchen asking for dino nuggets. Lindsay and I say our goodbyes and I thank her for her check in, even though these conversations with the people who have known me for much of my life tend to end with me in tears lately, I am still thankful for them because they break up my day and give me adult time outside of constantly being alone with small kids. As the dino nuggets are air frying, I pull up e-harmony on my phone. The moment I see its green and white logo, I feel my stomach start to hurt and a fresh set of tears well up into my eyes. “Or worst case is I get involved with someone who doesn’t want me again,” I mumble under my breath as I think to myself: not today Satan. I begin to google things I can do with the kids in the coming weekends before school starts back up again.
By the time the trio is situated with their nuggets, we have a list of things that they want to go see and do before school starts: we are hiking, going to the ocean, possibly the aquarium and hitting up the wildlife refuge nearby. Violet is most excited about the wildlife refuge for the animals and the boys are nonstop talking about the ocean and how there are sharks in there and how they will need weapons to beat the sharks back.
I find myself smiling at the differences between them.
Katherine Kuzma-Beck 
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