Today my pregnancy app told me that I would probably feel kicks soon and that this may make me feel more attached to my baby.
I’ve been feeling the butterflies from him for a couple weeks now and I saw his little face that looks like a baby already just two weeks ago. We’ve named him and began a room for him, so Ovia, I think attachment comes way before feeling a kick.
I can trace it back to even first finding out I was pregnant. I hadn’t even been to a doctor yet and my husband pretty much told the world we were pregnant. I remember sitting across from someone and listening them talk about miscarriage and it was even then, before I even saw his little heartbeat or evidence of his little blobby fetal pole– I wanted to claw her eyes out. You want to talk about MY KID er, fetal blob, being miscarried? It’s scary how quick that becomes a new facet to your personality.
The worst so far has been when we shared that we planned to name him Logan. Wooo chiillddd, some of the comments from friends and even family, again made my mom claws begin to bulge. I am amazed with how much commentary people want to give you on things that are about your kid.
I fear when the time comes and I push him out of my body and into the world, because I think then, I am really going to be like full-on mom-clawing. I already cringe at the idea of a smoker even looking at him let alone touching him, I don’t want people other then me or his dad watching him, especially for overnights that will not happen for years. He’ll probably be like 10 before he’s free to have that. I hold my breath when I’m forced to walk by people that are smoking and I distance myself from anyone that even smells like smoke, because, did you know that 3rd hand smoke can heighten the chance of SIDS (and probably fetal death) significantly? Looking back at my 20’s now, I really don’t know how I ever smoked. But the worst for me is, the idea of someone kissing my kid, after I read an entire article about adults making babies deathly ill from kissing them before vaccines, makes me want to punch anyone that even gets close enough to my kid to remotely even look like their lips may touch his perfect little baby body.
My new level of neurosis has made me begun to question how I am going to go back to work after having Logan. I planned to be back in September as of now, but the more I think about it the more I just want to be home making sure evil smoking kissing people are nowhere near my kid.
It’s definitely begun.
Katherine Kuzma-Beck 
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