I cannot get over the cost of e-harmony, it is blowing my mind. For whatever reason, maybe it’s the loneliness or the desire that has begun to grow within me about being with someone again, but whatever it is, I find myself sitting in the darkness of my living room completing the personality profile. I figure that the worst case is that somehow it matches me with Todd again if he was still out there and the best case would be that I would meet someone that I liked. I was pretty much convinced that this was not going to lead to anything, but I was feeling ready to be open to the possibility of meeting someone.

Then, I dragged my feet for much for February to buy into the $600 price tag. The secret to e-harmony I found during that time is that the more that you say no to them, the more they email you offers of better pricing until you do finally commit to the weird world of online dating. And so, for $250 and a payment plan, I had finally committed to the Melanie-approved e-harmony where people who are serious about finding a long term committed relationship sign up.

Fairly quickly, I had men messaging me which surprised me because while I did not divulge everything about myself, I did say that I was a widow and that I had three small children. While I knew that this was going to be a lot for me, allowing a new man into my life, I also knew what I was not going to be able to accommodate. I knew I did not want someone who had been married because I did not want to deal with an ex-wife, and I also wanted someone who was going to be new to the marriage game if the relationship went there. I wanted that because in so many ways, I too would be new to the marriage game. I spent so much of my first marriage as a care giver and a provider that I wanted someone who was going to figure out how a marriage was supposed to be, how you take care of each other and figure out what each of your duties were going to be with one another. I didn’t want someone who had a ton of baggage from a failed marriage, but rather someone who was looking forward to finding someone that they wanted to make that kind of commitment to and I them.

I didn’t want someone with kids because I knew it was going to be hard enough with my three kids. I thought that if I dated someone with their own kids, it would just be too much on me and too much on my kids never mind what that meant for the man that I was dating. The Brady Bunch lifestyle was not something that was too appealing to me and even now, I still can’t say that I would want to date someone with kids because you also then have to deal with their mother, and it is not very often that co-parenting situations are amicable especially when it comes to women. Being a widowed mom is hard enough.

And what some of my friends or as I came to call them, my e-harmony tribunal, thought was the most shocking was that I did not want to date someone in education. I had and still have zero interest in dating someone within the same field as me and that is because I wanted someone who could teach me new things and talk about their career and their aspirations that were very different from what you find in the educational system. I did not want every discussion we had to be about school, school politics and the shenanigans that you can often share as a classroom teacher. I am also more conservative than a lot of people in education and therefore knew that politically it would cause conflict as well. I would frequently repeat what I told my mother just after Christmas when she began this e-harmony push: I wanted someone like my grandfather who was moral and conservative, who worked with his hands, but was smart and educated and creative in their own way and enjoyed the outdoors and gardening. Someone who came from a big family and loved his mother but was not a mama’s boy.

The first attempts at taking myself out of a 10 year long relationship was responding to messages from men that did not fit what I knew I was looking for. There was Zach, a man that was about Phil’s age so another eight-year age gap. He also divorced and had two kids, but they were teenagers and he lived nearby. We spent a week talking about movies we liked before it just kind of fizzled. Then there was Shawn, a man who was recently separated from his wife that had been his high school sweetheart and he had a teenage son. He was very nice, but I did not like the fact that he was still married. I did not want to get involved with a married man, even if he was separated and it was also clear that he was still reeling from his wife of 25 years deciding that she didn’t want to be married anymore. I eventually stopped responding because I knew that we weren’t going to go anywhere. Then there was a guy whose name I can not even remember, but he immediately became very pushy with me about meeting me and sent me a picture of his new tattoo and it was one on his hand between his thumb and pointer finger that said, “your throat here.” I immediately blocked him.

I felt myself getting discouraged. I have never had the best dating stories. I often will attract men who have commitment issues and who will date me and want all the good parts of dating me, but when it comes to a conversation about what we are or where we are going, it all just falls to pieces quickly. Before I met my husband, I had spent over a year with Aaron. We got close very fast, but then when I would ask what it was that we were to each other, I would be told that we were friends. It was a constant back and forth. He was too screwed up from his ex-girlfriend getting an abortion behind his back some years before and I was getting fed up with being treated like an option. Ultimately, we became very serious very fast and then broke up just as quickly as it all had changed.

After that, I swore to myself I would never again want to be with a man that wasn’t serious about life and who liked to drink. We both enjoyed a lot of cocktails together and a part during that period of my life. After my husband died and I entered a reflective period, I looked back at the big relationships from my past, including Aaron, and I found out that he had eventually gotten married and had a daughter. I smiled when I saw that because despite his issues, I always knew that he was going to be a good partner and a father, and I was happy that he had finally found someone that made him want to become that man even if that woman wasn’t me. I wished them well.

          In many ways, it was because of Aaron that I chose my husband. I thought that Phil’s nerdiness was safer than choosing a more manly man like Aaron. Phil also was ready to commit to me very quickly and I liked that, there were no games or second guessing, we had gone on a date and saw each other almost every day for two weeks after before we sat in his car after too many beers and declared that we were together. It had been that easy and the rest was history.

          Only now in the haze of grief and letting go of my 10 year long relationship with Phil did I realize how much I missed that sort of masculinity that comes from a more manly man. I wanted someone who would stand up to me and mean it, I wanted someone who could fix things and build things, I wanted someone who loved through providing and protecting. I craved a masculine man in my life and men whining about soon to be ex-wives were not going to cut it.

          “So, are you just replying to men that contact you,” asked Sasha, in her loving but intrusive voice that she has perfected over years of love and friendship.

          “Yeah, of course what else do you do in dating apps?”

          She sighs. “Katherine…YOU can like THEM.” She gives me her Sasha doing Sasha things stare.

          I roll my eyes. “That is just so, I can’t even think about that.”

          “Look if you’re ready to put yourself out there, then really put yourself out there. If you come across someone on here that you like, then send them a like. The worst case is that they will not send you one back, but who cares then? No?”

          I snatch back my phone. “Stop doing Sasha things.”

          She grins. Sasha has been one of my best friends since college and whenever she would come over, some big project always ensued because Sasha is the kind of friend that wants you to do better so she makes you do better even if you’re not in the right mindset to. Phil would call this “Sasha doing Sasha things.” It was the perfect way to describe it and a sentiment that has become part of our friendship lexicon ever since.

          Later that night after I got the kids to bed, I sat again in my dark bedroom looking at e-harmony. I guess she was right because what did it matter if I liked someone and they didn’t like me back, this wasn’t middle school gym anymore. With a soft exhale, I pull up the list of men in my area and I expand it to most of South Jersey, including the shore. Can’t hurt, right?

          I scroll through many profiles that don’t resonate with me. I liked a couple but didn’t really care much as I did it. Then, I swipe into John’s profile. It’s different than other men on the site. All his photos are ones taken of him doing outside things and fishing. There may have been one selfie, but other than that he did not come across as a man that was too into himself. There aren’t any weird ones of him hanging out with a borrowed kid or posing with some weird toy to show how great he may be with kids or how playful he is, something a lot of men do on these sites that I always thought was weird. The only thing that gives me pause is that he has the same name as my high school sweetheart. I laugh at myself, the original John and I had dated through college and out of all of my relationships, it was probably one of the better ones and even to this day, after all of these years, if I were to call him he would pick up and we would catch each other up on our lives as the old friends that I think we always truly were over romantic partners. His parents had even reached out when they had heard that Phil had died and sent my children Christmas gifts that year. They were my adoptive family at a time in my life where my own family was crazy with my parent’s divorce, and I am thankful for the years of Friday night pizza and Saturday night Chinese food that were most of the years of my late teens and early twenties.

          I am most taken by a photo of John standing in a room somewhere in his tool belt. His eyes are very bright in that photo, and they are a piercing blue. They are kind and honest eyes that make me feel very drawn to him which also makes me feel a little uneasy and nervous because this was just a picture of a guy on the internet. I think to myself: this man is going to have absolutely no interest in me with three small kids and a dead husband, but if he likes me back, I would love to talk to him. I hit the like button and put down my phone, unable to stop thinking about the man on the internet with the piercing blue eyes.

          By the next day, he has liked me back and for a moment I sit there staring at the e-harmony prompting of why don’t you message him? Because e-harmony, if he truly liked me then he would have messaged me so we will wait there for Mr. Blue Eyes to sit down and write a message.

          “And? Did you like anyone last night,” Sasha asks over the noise of her car and her daughter. She calls me when she gets out of work to check in and is usually taking her daughter to a practice or whatever else.

          “I did, several of them.” I sit back in my recliner, folding my free arm over my stomach. My kids are playing with mega blocks and completely occupied for the moment.

          “That’s great! I am proud of you. Anyone good stand out?”

          I get quiet. I take a moment. “Promise you’re not going to think I’m weird?”

          She laughs. “Katherine, we have been friends for almost 20 years, I know you’re weird and I love you for it.”

          I smile, she’s right. “So, there was one guy that kind of stood out. He has down to earth photos and even his profile of what he is looking for is normal and there is this one photo I have probably looked at one too many times because his eyes are just, I don’t even know how to describe it and yes, I know it’s weird because it’s an internet person!”

          Sasha is laughing. She knows when I like someone. “Are you guys talking now? Send me a picture, I want to see him.”

          “No, we liked each other.” I text her the picture that I have looked at too many times.

          “Katherine! Message him.” She’s interrupted by her daughter, but she quickly follows up with, “Oh well he’s cute. I get it.”

          “It’s the eyes, right?” I try to hide this weird little swoon thing that I keep catching myself doing. “Well, he can message me. I mean what do I even say?”

          “Hi is a good place to start,” her voice trails off, preoccupied with whatever her daughter is asking.

          She rushes off the phone, mom life is calling and soon it is calling me too.

          Alone again in the darkness of my room, I am staring at my open like from John. I could just message him and say hello, but I keep reminding myself in my head that I am a widow with three kids and who would ever want to deal with all of that? If he really wanted to get to know me then he would message me.

          Two weeks later, he did.