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Anyone else struggle with mom sweat? It is THE WORST post-partum thing that has happened to me. I spent the winter wearing crocs everyday because if I didn’t I would sweat through whatever outfit I was wearing to work that day. Thankfully it’s spring now and I won’t look so weird wearing my sandals and cute shirts. Amazon has some deals today like this one. I bought two of these. I like that you can wear it to work because it’s not only longer, but also has the thicker straps so you’re completely appropriate for middle school. I plan to use it over a cami.
Once I had Logan, I became crazed with all of the chemicals they put into food and into cleaners. One thing I immediately got rid of were my old air fresheners. Who knew fragrances were so bad for you? I am addicted to diffusing essential oils now and I think it’s pretty cool that you can now do it in your car too.
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A blocked writer, unhappy with her life and relationship takes off for a Parisian vacation. It is there that Tulia Rose encounters beautiful chalk drawings of some of Raphael’s most beautiful and famous creations of cherubs and light. The chalk drawings’ artist Raffaello, intrigues Tulia. She quickly finds herself asking if she loves him? Or is he a stalker? Or could he even be the reincarnation of the Renaissance artist Raphael?
Dreamy Settings
Tulia’s story and eventual love-affair takes her across Europe to lush settings that are both dreamy and romantic. Readers are indulged in sensual Paris, dream-like Tuscany and beautiful Venice as Tulia navigates herself through her budding affair and eventual break-up with her New York boyfriend, Ethan.
The settings are beautifully described and detailed by an author with a keen eye for the intricacies that the romance of Europe offers its visitors. Buonaguro writes, “What truly moves Tulia is not the Eiffel Tower or Notre Dame Cathedral or any of the wonderful sights. It is the little things. A windowsill with a pot of geraniums and a glimpse of lace curtain, the way the sun glances off a puddle, the echo of her heels as she walks down a narrow cobblestone street, the taste of coffee at an outdoor cafe, the sound of children calling out to each other in French,” making it easy for the reader to fall in love with Paris even if they haven’t had a chance to make it there yet.
The Failing Hero
The downfall of The Sidewalk Artist, in my opinion was Raffaello – Buonaguro’s hero. Instead of being the romantic artist that was meant to sweep readers off their feet as they read, I found Raffaello to be more creepy than to be someone with whom I would want to disappear into the European countryside with. I kept waiting for a plot twist wherein the entire story line became something sinister and it was with that thought that kept me from completely falling in love with the story though I did find the idea of the parallel plot and romance to be creative and intriguing.
The Sidewalk Artist makes for a quick read and is great if you’re looking for a sweet story to spend a day at the beach with.
The Sidewalk Artist by Gina Buonaguro and Janice Kirk is available for purchase through St. Martin’s Griffin with ISBN 031237805X. It was released on April 1, 2008.
When I started trying to get pregnant, I stopped dying my hair. At that point in my life I was becoming a mom and as such, I would worry about anything and everything from that point out. I used to love dying my hair. I had been doing it since I was 16. I have had every color from orange to purple to deep reds to black. Today, it is my natural dirty blonde and no longer hanging down my back but stopping at my shoulders:
In college, when I was living in Paris, I had a girl I was living with embarrass me by pointing out the beginning of the gray hair that I already had. It was just a few strands at the time, but when she was loudly going off about in as we stood on a street corner surrounded by a bunch of people, it was just humiliating for me at 20 years old. It was also the first time I had noticed it.
By the time I was done with my masters program and was set up as a tenured teacher, the few strands had become a full on strip. Now, once that I had the baby, my slim strip was a full blown patch. When I went back to work my students even asked me if I had done it on purpose or if it was a birth mark. Instead of being embarrassed though, I have embraced my natural hair color and my big, white strip. I feel as though it is just part of this new season in my life.
I never knew hair could be so liberating. Looking back at all the times I changed it though, they often coincided with hard parts of growing up: changes in jobs, ups and downs (and breakups) of relationships, moves, etc. This season in my life also marks one of the most settled ones of my life.
I am an old soul and as such, I have always been drawn to different times and old things.
I also have difficulties letting go.
Lately, it has been my hair. I had grown it out for our wedding and it was all the way down my back for the first time since I was little. Only, up until I had gotten engaged I was bleaching my hair to hide an every widening white streak that I have in the front. Half of my hair was so fried, but I was so attached to it.
It was the hair I had at my wedding nearly two years ago. It was the hair that I had throughout my pregnancy and through my nearly first year of motherhood. My aunt was still alive when I had that hair too…I had attached a lot of meaning to my hair.
And so it took a great deal for me to finally cut off about 5, very damaged and burnt ends that are now in a bag in my car because I still couldn’t part with it, but I couldn’t wear it anymore.
It would mat up just by existing and brushing it often hurt because it would get and stay so knotted because it was so damaged. I feel like a new person today. My hair is light and curly and no longer two-toned. The chop, however stressful, was definitely needed and worth it.
Like most women, I feel like when I make a drastic change with my hair, I am making a step towards making a drastic change in my life. In many ways, this is already true. Another season of my life is ending and that is the part where I am a newly wed and a new mom. I am entering a phase of my life where my education will at last be complete and my focus will be on my family and my career.
God willing we will also be finally selling our townhouse and moving into our family house. As always, I am hoping this all will afford me more time to write and maybe even start that podcast that I have been day dreaming about doing lately. Now, I have a curly new hair cut to do it with.
My middle schoolers, the most honest (and sometimes mean) group of people in my life even said to me today that I now looked beautiful and my hair was no longer “just there.” I love them and their lack of filter for just about everything.
There’s a girl whispering into a microphone on YouTube. She’s telling people about how wonderful and loved they are. She also whispers things that are completely inaudible. There’s a guy too. He likes to dress up and role-play. Sometimes he’s a fairy, a healer or even a spa consultant. The theme though, it’s always the same—everything is done slowly, everything is explained and everything is, well, whispered.
Upon finding these videos, most viewers feel as though they have entered that “weird side of YouTube again”—the side where things are a little off and something’s just can’t be unseen.
However, it’s not that at all.
Instead it is ASMR or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response; which is the feeling that one gets when someone whispers softly to them or if in person, touches them lightly. It is a feeling of deep relaxation often described as a tingly feeling. These tingles are often triggered by ASMR videos by people who refer to themselves as ASMRists.
ASMRists find new ways of speaking, new objects to play with and new ways to make different kinds of sounds that trigger the ASMR response in their viewers. The only problem is that not everyone is capable of Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response and so, there are many YouTube viewers out there that make fun of and are opposed to the ASMR community largely because they don’t understand it and find it weird—“the weird side of YouTube.”
Take ASMRist Tony Bomboni for example. Tony is a 19-year-old college student with a following of about 28,000 YouTube subscribers. Most of his channel is made up of role-plays that are creative and different from other ASMRists. He puts on makeup for his viewers, drinks soda for them and talks about his life.
For Tony, his ASMR channel began after he viewed another relaxation channel and made up his mind to create his own. “I saw a makeup role-play and instantly fell in love with the feeling. I [started] my channel after two months of thinking because I did not know how I would start or if I should even start. I was nervous people wouldn’t like who I am. I didn’t want to get massive hate again like I did on former channels,” Tony explains.
Tony’s anxiety over negativity is well placed. He became internet famous last year when his ASMR video where he role-played a fairy was played and mocked on Tosh.0. Taken completely out of context, Tosh.0 made the video look ridiculous and mocked Tony for his creativity and unique approach to ASMR, a movement based on providing viewers with relaxation and help for sleep.
However, Tony took the entire experience in stride and true to the message of ASMR, took it with a great sense of positivity. “To me, it was an honor and just a part of the entertainment line he was looking for I suppose? It’s all for laughs in the end [his show] and having watched it a few times before, I understood the point completely.
Even though the ideal of the video was not presented the way I ever would have imagined it to be, I still felt a sense that I shouldn’t be upset about it, because I knew that I would just end up bringing in more people to my channel who liked the feeling of ASMR, have heard of it before, or understood it immediately. Any creative idea I get is probably for a reason. The faerie role-play, I got really into that one. I remember being a whole different person. It was like I was away from my body for the hour that I filmed it,” said Tony.
In contrast, there’s also Maria of GentleWhispering, a young 20-something Russian immigrant from the east coast. She has nearly 250,000 subscribers and has created all different kinds of role-play for her viewers. She’s referred to the “Goddess of ASMR” in some comments with all over her videos having tremendous amounts of views, especially the ones she is role-playing in. Most recently, she even went so far as mimicking sounds of what it is like to be inside the womb.
She explains to her viewers that the sounds of the womb are something that no one ever completely forgets and that sounds like white noise can bring viewers back to the safety of their mother’s body. This too is not an idea that most people will have in their everyday life and some would find this a bit strange.
Both can be argued over how weird and different these two concepts are. Why is it then that Tony faces the most ridicule and hate on his channel? Maria is championed for thinking outside the box and bringing ASMR viewers a wide variety of sounds and videos to trigger them.
There has been a big argument throughout the ASMR community that Tony gets signaled out more so because he is a man. Is it that simple though? Has a community based on love, relaxation and peace also been infiltrated by the need for “proper” gender roles and common universal thought?
Tony explains that he has seen it all with regards to different kinds of negativity: “The negativity that I receive is probably far worse than what the men or women combined receive in the ASMR community, as I am a VERY different person. Some say I’m a feminine man, some say this, some say that, some disagree, but in the end I have gotten every single comment you can possibly imagine and I know there will be more. There will always be disagreements about ASMR. I always knew that, even from the very start.” The difference in negativity? Tony says that’s about breasts. Most of the negative comments he has seen within the ASMR community have been about women’s busts.
Why does this even have to exist though? Why does this even matter for people in a community that is designed for rest and relaxation—a break from the everyday pressures and stressors that everyone is facing?
It’s so much easier to enjoy ASMR for what it is if you just let go of what you think. As you watch, you need to focus on the sound of the brush on the foil as Maria pretends to put highlights into your hair and on the sound of her gently accented voice as she softly whispers to you as she works. You need to focus on how Tony, though a fairy, uses his voice to create white noise and uses glass and beads to create a steady beat. It’s not about looking beyond the image; it’s about forgetting the image completely.
Several years ago, when I broke up with my immature ex-boyfriend that was all I wanted to do was forget, but I wouldn’t let myself. After a summer of barely sleeping, of waking up each night and pacing and wringing my hands, I just wanted to forget and to sleep. I found out about ASMR from my brother who was one of those that felt it was the weird side of YouTube. That’s how I met Tony and Maria and Olivia and Fred and on and on, my subscription list is constantly growing as more people start making ASMR videos.
Several years ago, I started to make my own and much like Tony and Maria, I too have gotten the comments that are hurtful and negative from those who can’t just listen. I see the world a little differently now, I see the world in sounds and I listen to hear what would make a good, relaxing sounds and what would create the sort of white noise that I have yet to be able to make with my own voice. Sometimes if you really listen closely enough, you can focus in on a sound that no matter how small or insignificant in comparison to everything else around you can still make you drown out everything else. It’s just like when we were in kindergarten and the teacher would gently tell us what we were supposed to be doing and in that moment, we felt such a calming sensation wash over us. You just have to be open to it and allow yourself to forget what you’re watching and just listen.
You might even find your own tingles.
My son has reached a point in his development where he knows that I leave in the morning and he does not like it. He has the most heartbreaking yet oddly adorable cry face too which just means he knows how to pull it out to get me to cave in .1 seconds.
He needs me to hold him. All the time. From the moment I get home at night, I am holding him and carrying him around with everything that I do. This was much easier when he was smaller and less mobile and therefore, easily wearable and between that and my body heat, would spend much of his time napping. Now, not so much.
This morning I was running late for work because my son had woken up and immediately wanted to nurse. I have IMMENSE guilt when I turn him down from nursing, so I will always nurse him when he asks for it. He nurses and then once he’s more awake he wants to cuddle and be held, only I REALLY have to pee and shower and get ready to go. I attempt to put him into his pack and play which is just explosive tears the moment he realizes that he’s headed for it.
Quickly, I hold onto him and run to the bathroom. And yes, I pee while I am holding him and he’s happy and chatting as he plays with my necklace. It is 100% true: you lose all privacy once you become a mom and as a mom, your kid will be in the bathroom with you.
Enter my husband.
He just starts shaking his head when it finds us there and takes our son from me.
“We have to get on the same page,” he tells me. I roll my eyes. My mom never let us cry needlessly or for anything when we were my son’s age. You can not spoil someone with love. You can spoil them with things, but that’s something for when he’s older to be worried about.
“Why do you think he’s so different and calm when I’m home? He’s secure. He knows I will be there when he cries.” Then my husband rolls his eyes.
“You’re going to turn him into a mama’s boy.”
And here’s where I zing him good. “Well, apple…tree.” I wink. My husband is further not amused. “And, he’s already a mama’s boy. He’s making little mmm and momom sounds when he cries now because he knows I will be there. We’re working on the official, mama.”
“Go to work.”
The irony in all of it though is that while I am teaching today, our son will be sitting on the couch with my husband as my husband does work for school and my son watches wrestling or cartoons and takes his nap. Then I’ll be home and we’ll switch to Murder, She Wrote and Little House on the Prairie and we’ll sit cuddling and sharing my evening yogurt that he has become obsessed with and the night will go on.
As different as moms and dads are, I think they’re also a lot more alike than they are different. Moms just have more patience and are more open to giving up personal freedoms such as peeing without a small audience.
It is a fact that my son did not want to be born.
I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to start labor.
I walked, ate hot food, bounced on a ball, did all kinds of stretches…everything, but I would not dilate and the moment the doctor said they were willing to induce, I jumped on it because being 42 weeks pregnant with a nearly 10 pound baby is life’s slowest form of torture.
Only once he was born, all our Logan wants to do is grow up. Physically, he is ahead of every benchmark. He was already trying to roll over in the hospital and was picking his head up. By 6 months old, he was using his play stroller and taking steps. There is no stopping him.
I started him on home made purees at 4 1/2 months by almost 6 months, he was grabbing the spoon from my hand to feed himself. I did pre-loaded spoons for awhile that he would take and eat from, but then we reached a point where even that was frustrating for him so, I began to research baby led weaning.
It really freaked me out at first because I was terrified that he would choke. However, it has been such a life saver. He is so much happier when he has strips of food in front of him and he tries so much more food now. This morning he ate more than half of his breakfast.
It’s also teaching me more about foods. It makes me have to cook for my family even on nights when I am exhausted from work and school. I know what’s in food now and I have finally shifted over to a almost completely organic food list. We replaced cow’s milk with fortified almond milk. Even the cleaners I have used have gone from whatever name brand my mom used to get to plant based products. Logan continues to change us everyday and it’s almost fun to see what new challenge he’s going to give me and how quick I can figure out how I’m going to be the best mom for him.
A lot of the time I get from people the “I don’t know how you do it all” comment.
And the truth is, I really don’t either, but I’ll give you a glimpse into what it’s really like.
It’s 3:30 AM.
The dogs are snoring on the floor. My husband is snoring on the couch. Our son is in my lap nursing as I am writing.
I am exhausted. I wanted to go to bed early tonight, but I also wanted to finish this last chapter. It’s the first time today that my son is quiet enough and preoccupied enough with food to let me do this without having to be walking him or rocking him or snuggling him.
He comes first. Always. But in this moment, my work finally gets to come first. My son will eventually nurse himself back to sleep and I will get a good chunk of work done.
It’s now 4:30 AM.
I quietly get us back into bed if I am lucky, but more times than not we make it to the recliner and I hold our son as I get 2 hours of sleep before my late alarm for work will go off. I will shower and throw on whatever dress I can find and am out the door to complete my 2 hour long commute.
It is now 6:45 AM.
I autopilot the hour into my job, praying the entire way that there isn’t an accident that will make the entire highway a parking lot. I review over and over again the lesson I plan on teaching and where everything is in my room that I need to get together for the lesson.
It is now 7:45 AM.
I am at work, signed in and am setting up for the day. I have 10 minutes before the kids come in. I make sure I have everything I need and my board set up for the day. My day consists of teaching 3 block classes and attending PLC meetings or using prep time to prep for my classes.
It is now 2:40 PM.
I am probably in my car. I get a few seconds to breathe before I am either commuting home to take my son from my husband before he goes off to night school or I am heading deeper into the capital city to hold my office hours for my night class. I will be there until about 10:00 PM.
It’s a four hour class on reading. I go through office hours, probably eat something, grade my papers, talk to students who come in and then I teach the class for four hours.
Then I walk to my car and finally get to drive the hour home.
I take my son from my husband because chances are he has been up and fussy all night because I am not home to lay with him at bedtime like I do or let him nurse himself to sleep. With any luck he will go down for the final time and I will either get to have some sleep myself or I will be up again writing and nursing a baby at 3:00 in the morning.
It’s hard being working mom and going to school full time. It takes a lot out of you and often times, you are giving up something else in turn. For me, I largely lack a social life because my free time at the moment goes to my son and on the rare occasions that he is tired with me, we both get to have that wonderful nap that never will fully catch me up on sleep.
I remember when I thought it was hard to be 20 something weeks pregnant, writing my doctoral comprehensive exam and being in bed with the flu. I laugh at that time now. That was easy when I think about it now.
Katherine Kuzma-Beck 